I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
