I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
