Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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