I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
