Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
