my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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