If that was your dad, he is hot
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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