he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
