FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
