My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
