im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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