i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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