i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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