i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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