so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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