Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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