Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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