How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
