Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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