Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
