just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
