She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
