I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize