Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
