but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
