I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
worst night to have a conscience
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
