Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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