But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
