i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
