I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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