If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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