wrigley field is MILF paradise
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
