so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
