then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
