Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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