How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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