happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
