It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize