im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
