take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
