Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
