i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
