Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
