I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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