I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
