Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He felt like a one man threesome
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
