Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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