she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
