I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
