Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
