U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
she peed on how many people?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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