i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
