Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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