Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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