3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
