Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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