I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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