every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
